Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light. -- Helen Keller
What I am seeing? A change, not a daily attitude change but a real heart change, Hallelujah!
For the last eight years I have struggled to find my way back to God, to overcome all of the consequences for wrong choices I made, for an understanding of God's Word and my own heart. Waiting for me to feel comfortable in my Christian skin.
It's not automatic, nothing but salvation itself is. I kept expecting it to be. But I realized over a period of time that it's all about 'growth'.
My growth and understanding that develops as I step out there more and more. As I ask for more and I'm ready for more and as God can trust me more.
I feel like I am in a different place now, a comfortable place where I feel safe reaching out and asking for more and receiving more. And certainly safer giving more.
It's not about me at all, it's about God's uses for me, my willingness and desire to be used and my trusting that God is guiding me and I am listening. I wasted years with guilt, remorse, embarrassment and painful memories. It has taken My Lord 8 years (I'm real hard-headed) to get me to the point where I hear Him, not me and have let go.
The past is not painful anymore, the memories are infrequent and the guilty feelings have been replaced with smiles, now I call them an "Oops!. I have been presented with the opportunity to help others and I could, because I could relate and feel an earnest compassion that came from hurting over my own past. Because I can tell them realistically how I came out of that same life with God's help. It was a horrible thing to live with and now it's a blessing, yes I said a blessing.
I kept wanting to say something to others and didn't know how. As I changed I learned to pray for God to send me people who needed and were ready to hear. Strangers, family members and neighbors - send them Lord when I can do right by You. He started trusting me just little things at a time like when a cashier would say "how are you today", Just wonderful, God is good to me" and they smile and ignore you or they love the Lord and are so glad to speak up and have a conversation with you, little things. And the things grew bigger and bigger as my faith did and my fear of conversation grew smaller and smaller. Baby steps!
I have been praying for the Lord to give me opportunities to say His name and to speak the truth to my family members and thank You Lord that is happening too. My daughter-in-law and my daughter and some of my grandchildren are opening up and discussing The Lord Jesus Christ and I am so filled with the opportunity I want more and more for them and me.
I've been given the opportunity to care for in God's name a group of children who are absolutely precious to me and the opportunities God is sending is such a blessing and an honor, that He could trust me to love these kids.
I see change everywhere and I feel it in my heart as I grow. The more my heart grows with God the less of the past exists for me. There isn't room in your heart for both, choose.