Friday, December 12, 2008

"Set me in motion"

It's not a perfect day in the Matthew household today but that's OK! (I say rationalizing) I'm not a perfect person, he is not a perfect child, I don't have perfect family members, this isn't a perfect world so it's OK.

Raising this child Z, has been a tool for God to use to teach me SO MUCH, and to show me so much about how imperfect I am and about how having expectations of being perfect are ridiculous also, feeling such tremendous guilt about every incident is just as ridiculous.

I believe I was born with the "conscience from hell" and I am not cursing I mean that word literally. How my parents managed to instill that guilt in me must have been easy because I seemed to have been designed with no middle gear. It has always been all or nothing for me anything less than all has been a failure in my mind.

Alright Lord You must have put that in me for a reason and here I am at 57 finally asking why or better yet not why but what do I do with it? I am thinking that the first step is owning up to it. Accepting not just my character traits/flaws (and working on them) but accepting my personality traits. You have spent 8 years now pointing these things out to me and I want now for You to start molding me and getting me ready.

Oh I still fall short every day, I still go oops! a lot and still repeat the same mistakes but, each time I am more aware of what I have done and have more desire to do something about it. And since I am incapable of perfection, God's Holy Word has pointed that out to me, I need to find that middle gear that everyone else seems to have and learn to use it. You have a plan for me, you always have had and I have been stubborn and foolish. I have the greatest desire now to fulfill that plan before I die. I don't want to waste anymore time thinking things through myself and doing a poor job in the decision making process. I need You to know because You have opened my heart and closed my mind "I am willing".

From Matthew 28:
18And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.
19Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:
20Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen

Every time I do something wrong (a lot) I keep record and can't let go, I need to fix me and never let it happen again R-e-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s. What I now believe is that I need to accept that I make mistakes and my only recourse for fulfillment is to be earnesty sorry Lord, let You forgive me and move on. Wallering in guilt only allows you to make the task even harder for yourself and prohibits you from giving to others.

Yep I gave up on being perfect and just want to be usable "just as I am", I love that old song "I come, I come". Set me in motion Lord just as I am!

1 comment:

  1. Trying to be perfect and do everything perfectly is exhausing, isn't it? I like to think I've graduated from perfectionism to "semi-perfectionism." It's a little more sane and a lot less exhausting.

    Love you,


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