I woke up at 5:00 this morning, already knowing it was going to be 30 degrees and knowing I hate the cold. As I woke I remembered that my daughter had said the night before, "Oh no, it's going to be cold tomorrow and V has to walk to LF in the morning". I also remember being completely selfish and not offering "I'll take him" and I knew all night that the Lord I worship who expects me to be a giving, loving person wasn't pleased with me. Maybe that's why He woke me up at 5:00 in the morning after a very miserable night of restlessness, ya think!
So I made the call offering a ride, knowing it was the right thing to do but, not doing it with the right heart.
I grumbled for 30 minutes to myself (being ungracious) until time to warm up the car. I ran outside in a mad dash to the car, unlocked the doors, jumped in and turned that key, all at lightning speed. I then adjusted the heat settings and turned on those bump, bump, bump, bump windshield wipers but - no bump! ugh - ice! OK then I ungraciously leaped out the door, darted for the hose and stood there shivering with damp hands in the chilly, chilly, frosty air and sprayed down the car. Arrrg! I'm so not happy, and regretfully now, still not ashamed of myself at the time. Lord why do you put up with me?
OK, hose off, wipers on now, and like a flash I run in the door to my warm, toasty little front room and begin to grumble to myself again. Instead of feeling extremely blessed because God has provided me with this warmth to come to, I waste the time I am now using to regret the fact that I will have to go out again into the wintery chill to take V once the car is warm. Why did I make that phone call? Why didn't I just crawl back under the covers and ignore what I was hearing in my heart? I could have done that, I did it just the night before didn't I?
15 till 6:00am and I head out the door to my already warm and prepared car, get into the seat and feel the warmth God has provided for me, while peering through the now clean and usable windshield which was also provided explicitly by You Know Who. I pull out and head toward their place and poor V is standing out in the cold (literally shivering) so not to put me out and make me have to wait on him one minute. OK - maybe at this point friends, my heart really started to melt and I began to see how unreasonable and ungracious I was being. And how completely detached my heart was from God for this entire little, tiny, momentary episode, maybe. Alright, I admit it, I had to get "thumped" on the nog'n again by God and I felt it strong and clear.
V said with his teeth chattering "th-thank you sss-o much" OK, thump number two, and I felt even more ashamed. We made small talk for the few minutes it took to carry him to LF and he was so grateful.
After I drove home which was a very short distance, and then got out of my car I went straight into the warmth and felt very calm. As I put on my soft, heavy, warm robe I felt a smile crack accross my face and then a giggle while shaking my head followed by a bunch of "you idiot" remarks about myself. At that time I had a visual - Jesus standing up in Heaven looking down at me. Both fists on His hips, left foot out with the toes tapping and His head moving left to right. "I'm sorry Lord, I'm sorry that I didn't do it the right way, with a heart open and wide full of love, I'm sorry I let myself get all selfish and concerned about me first". Then my visual was - Him with a huge smile on His face. One filled with love, compassion and forgiveness. It's alright child but, don't make me have to go through this again with you, just remember to love, I give you more than plenty, enough to share with everyone you meet.
It's going to be 21 tonight, 24 the next night and I promise I will offer to help anyway I can with a loving and sharing heart that comes only from letting God in there. And thanks Lord for those little "thumps" when I need them. Thanks for me being important enough that You bother. Amen
It's been quite a while since I've allowed my heart to be so self centered and self serving and I am grateful for even the agonizing way You had to remind me Lord to do things Your way. The cold, the wet, the aggravation, the bitterness that I created with a selfish heart, all my own doing. I'm grateful that You "bother" with me Lord, You could pass me by and write me off but You don't and You never will. You are the love of the world, You are giving and You are constant, of those things I am so sure. No doubt I am not worthy of You but You love me anyway. Amen and Amen
1 John 4:16
And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
Yeah! That's where I want to stay every minute of every day - In Him.